Cognitive Distortion

How the Thoughts You Have Create the Environment You Exist In

Everyone is always so quick to tell you to “just think positively” when you’re going through a rough season in life. Candidly, nothing gets under my skin more. The whole premise of my TikTok meltdown was that the platitudes people offer you when you’re down are nothing more than unhelpful.

I also grew up in a “rub some dirt on it” household. You got knocked down in a lacrosse game? Rub some dirt on it. Your first love broke your heart? On to the next. While I appreciate the sentiment of not giving up, processing your feelings and sitting in the pain is a healthy, and necessary part of healing.

Recently I read a post about how thinking positively and feeling positively are two completely different things and honestly it set me free because it explained that thinking positively can’t make you feel better, and without actually feeling these things, the thoughts are essentially useless (I will go on to explain how positive self-talk and reframing is different from this.) I think for so long I have felt like I’m being punished for being sad that my life is lacking the one thing I crave (love), and the punishment is that it hasn’t happened yet.

While I am big on energy, and attracting the energy you put out, I don’t think it’s productive to make someone feel like they’re wrong for feeling a certain way about it. To put it in a sentence: “the reason you don’t have love in your life is because you’re sad you don’t have love in your life. Just be positive, and it’ll come when you least expect it.” Respectfully…no. But this is what we’re fed, and it only contributes to the cognitive distortion.

By definition, cognitive distortion is “a faulty or inaccurate thought, perception or belief. Cognitive distortions can reinforce negative beliefs, perceptions and behaviors.” In other words, how you speak to yourself matters. Your subconscious is constantly absorbing information and processing your thoughts, even when you aren’t aware of it (hence subconscious), essentially acting like an audience to your internal dialogue, silently taking in everything you think and feel.

I love this image because it engages the protective, motherly instincts I have for my feelings. Almost like they’re external to me, like they’re a friend that I’m supporting. Why is it that it’s easier to defend somebody else over ourselves? Lately I’ve been asking myself “if one of your friends was being treated this way by an emotionally unavailable man, what advice would you give her?”

My therapist has always encouraged me to reframe my thoughts when I’m experiencing cognitive distortion. Stop, take a breath, identify where on your body you feel the anxiety/negative emotion (for me it’s usually in my chest or in my stomach), and replace the negative thought with something truthful and supportive. For example, if I tell myself “I’m running out of time [to find my person, get married and have children]” I can replace it with “God wouldn’t put this desire in my heart if it wasn’t part of His plan.” If I tell myself “I’m unlovable or worthless,” I can replace it with positive affirmations such as “I am safe. I am free. I’m a survivor.” Even if they’re hard to believe in the moment, they are true.

In summary, there is a difference between forcing yourself to “think positively” and re-building a healthy brain to fight your anxious unhealthy one. Mental health is a war you can win with the right approach. Expecting to reach a “final destination” of happiness by just changing your mindset is not the right approach. Training your brain and building yourself back up, especially after trauma, takes time.

And now that we’ve gotten through the psychology lesson, welcome to Fed Up Fridays everybody, where I will be issuing my journal entries from my healing journey. And I’m feeling generous so I’m going to double up.

Tuesday, October 17, 2023

“Overcoming shame requires compassion, self-acceptance, and a recognition of our inherent worthiness as human beings.

Things are not happening to me, they’re happening for me. Things are not happening to me, they’re happening for me. Things are not happening to me, they’re happening for me…I feel like the young Jenny Rink in 13 Going on 30 repeating this over and over to myself in the closet waiting for some wishing dust to fall on me and make me believe it. I’m trying the positive affirmations and setting intentions in yoga and manifesting…but it’s not enough.

Everything just feels so impossible right now. My apartment search is dead end after dead end (little did I know a month later I would sign a lease) and I know time is on my side but I wish it was as easy as finding my apartment in Boston…it’s crazy to think that 4 years ago, in one week I broke up with my bf, found an apartment on Facebook and moved into it…the stars were really on my side then.

Times are not the same…I have to keep manifesting a lease to fall into my lap…patience is a virtue I guess…but I’m also so stressed about making the wrong move (again) and it’s crazy because 4 years ago I also almost moved to California for work…the difference now is I more frequently travel to CA for work…I can afford it now and I have more friends there…but is the actual move attainable and do I want to be that far from family…not really.

The more I wonder what I’m doing next the less motivated I am because it’s all just too much…and the dating game? Forget it (babe you had no business dating anyone this soon after your trauma anyway). I’m about to clear the roster (roster?!) because A. that’s what I should be doing, and I’m nowhere near ready to date (wow thank you) & B. it’s exhausting and disappointing (sorry to disappoint but 2024 is all of this and more). Naturally, the person I’m most interested in…we’ll call him Pilot Man…doesn’t put effort in. Needless to say I’m done answering his late night texts.

Part of me is proud for approaching this with more confidence and clarity…but the other parts of me would love to not feel like such a lonely failure. I know there’s more to happiness and feeling settled than having a man; I know it has to come from within…and I have to believe what’s meant for me will find me…but I’m sad. And I’m over it.”