Highs & Lows

From Therapy to Turmoil

Therapy is my favorite part of the week. Dr. D has truly built me from the ground up - she won’t take the credit and tells me all the time that I’m the one who’s done it all on my own - but I don’t know what I would’ve done without her all this time. She has given me the tools I need to love myself bigger, date and trust smarter, and heal. She is always in the back of my mind when I stand up for myself and set boundaries. She’s my voice of reason and my biggest supporter; it fills my cup so much when she tells me she’s proud of me.

This past Thursday, she pointed out to me that I haven’t said “I feel like my life’s on pause” in a while - and I stopped for a second and realized…wow. I really haven’t. I’ve been living my life to the fullest, and started accepting where I’m at. I feel at peace with where I’m at and no longer fighting it. Whatever comes will be, and I’m in a great position to be patient and intentional about my next move. This includes location and where I’m moving next, as well as relationships - I have come so far in how I approach my life decisions. Living at home right now is allowing me to wait for the perfect gem to reveal itself.

It’s taken me a long time to get to this place of acceptance. Dr. D and I have put in a lot of work around my mindset and “being here now.” Just as much as I love reading my journal entries from last year and sharing them with you all, I love looking back at my therapy notes. I’ve taken notes during every session I’ve ever had with Dr. D. And on August 1, 2024 we talked a lot about how I need to acknowledge my accomplishments - from 2023-2024 I budgeted better, went into relationships healthier, developed a healthier relationship with sex, found myself vs. molding into others…broke old patterns, started training for a marathon.

We also discussed managing my expectations in a healthy way…she reminds me that as human beings we’re always going to strive to be better, but we have to find contentment in the now rather than wishing for the future because then you miss out…like I mentioned above I’m definitely finding contentment in the now, living with my parents and figuring it out. We talk about realistic planning and how wanting means nothing without action. You have to grow your passion, instead of running away and expecting something to fall on your new doorstep.

My favorite part of my sessions with her are when she puts things (and by things I mean situationships) into check for me. She is not afraid to express her concern about a guy I’m dating, and I appreciate it. She had concerns with Ohio Man from the jump, her biggest being that the relationship was completely on his terms (an unhealthy pattern of mine). On this particular day I had finally decided to stop being in purgatory with Ohio Man and communicate what I’ve been feeling - which is that I didn’t feel like he was being clear on where we stand…mind you I had just attended a wedding with him where he was introducing me to everyone as the girl he was dating. It felt like everyone else heard about how amazing I was to him, but I never heard it directly, and was constantly left confused. They say when you’re confused you have your answer…and I got mine in response.

Monday, August 5, 2024

“My life is in constant turmoil. Here I am, once again on August 5, bawling my eyes out because life dealt me a bad hand. Almost immediately after my therapy session last week, Ohio Man called me and told me he doesn’t see a future with me. That he ‘tried’ to get there and he even prayed on it, but he just doesn’t see me as his person when he closes his eyes and looks at the future. Those were his exact words.

I’m sorry, but if you have to PRAY to have feelings for me? I’m not sure what hurts